Fire's a beautiful sound

Cause nothing in life worth having comes easy…

After the rough weekend came a hellish week. I became constantly frustrated…

The entire week could have been summed up to this: I knew I couldn’t be alone for longer than an hour. I basically lived at my best friends house the entire week. I hated being alone… it entitles me to over analyze and second guess my actions. I don’t really believe in regrets because they are things of the past that cannot be changed but simply meant to be learned from… but when I’m alone I tend to forget and become consumed by the situation. I start to panic. I’m a person who hates change, I hated the thought of going back to my same old lonely day to day routine knowing that I wouldn’t be hearing from him. I SERIOUSLY missed him. To have that constant for 4 months to nothing in less than a week was incredibly daunting. I was urged by friends and family to completely cut my ties from him…I deleted his messages, photos, defriended him, and blocked him. I was seriously hesitant about defriending him and blocking him. Here’s why… All week I felt like I was in a constant tug of war. I wanted so badly to talk to him once again and hand his ass to him. Another part of me wanted answers and wanted to see him. But a major part of me wanted to act as if it never happened. I wanted him to see that I was okay without him. I wanted him to also know that ‘no one messes with me’. I wanted it to show that I could handle the hurt and still be incredibly happy. I mean I’ve 20 years of my life without the kid, I think I could handle his absence. But I hated feeling vulnerable. I felt like defriending him and blocking him was permanent. I felt like I was erasing the past four months of my life. My mind told me that it’d be good for me but I almost couldn’t do it. Yeah it sounds silly to have felt the way I did about blocking someone but to me it meant more than just that. then again I didn’t want to block him so he could see how well I was doing without him.

To be sincerely honest I still don’t have a clue as to what happened between us and what had changed his mind. I’ve seen the way he treats me and I know he meant it. You can’t really fake the past few months you know? I won’t lie to you but he did bring out some of the best things in me. From talking to him that first time I can honestly tell you I was at my happiest. I knew that each day I’d hear from him and that was the only thing I needed to be endlessly happy. All of this still doesn’t tell me why he became so distant in such a short amount of time. I DON’T GET IT! It frustrates me. His absence seemed effortless. He basically vanished. As things started to dwindle between us I assumed it was simply because he didn’t want to smother me and vice versa. That I could understand. But when I thought back to it, he remained glued to his phone texting me back all night even if he was out with his buddies. I told him to enjoy him time with them and that he was more than welcome to text me once he was back home, he still ended up texting me. That had to have meant something right? Which is why it frustrates me… why haven’t I heard from him? At this very moment I’ve come to the conclusions that I’m not even in the least bit mad at him… or his sister. I’m a happy person and it takes a lot to bring me down for the most part. So naturally I’m back to my old happy self and I would want nothing more than to simply talk to him face to face. I’d tell him that I’m not mad at him and to simply ask what happened. the scenario plays through my head constantly. Sometimes I’d tell him that, yeah, I missed him but I could still move on. I just want to know what went through his mind. Even if he told me he was no longer interested for some reason part of me would be able to handle that much better than I’d expect because it would be the truth and that he was able to tell me face to face why. Part of me feels like there was no way he could have lost interest over night you know? It just seems silly. I’m incredibly curious and am willing to take whatever is thrown at me. I just wish he’d man up and text me or at least talk face to face. Even if it were for the last time. I wish things didn’t leave off that way. But like I mentioned I’m not even mad at him. I’ve already gotten over it. I’m really hoping I’d run into him again before the end of the month. I know that seems a little hopeful but it’s be helpful. I’ve got my fingers crossed. ANOTHER major reason why I was hesitant to block him is because there was no going back to the way things were and that I chose to leave things on bad terms. I caved and unblocked him….. whoops. Whatever I’m not even mad anymore. Granted things can’t really go back to the way they were I’d still be happy to either be on good terms and or remain friends. I’m still going to care about him because THAT is something/someone I can’t forget easily.

One of the best things that got me through the week was constantly having someone to talk to and to have some kind of outlet. I’m a firm believer in talking things out and expressing myself. I hate keeping things to myself because it just eats away at me. Whenever I was with someone I completely told them whats on my mind, no holding back. I feel like talking things out with the people I car about most and writing it down is that keeps the weight off my shoulders allowing me to breathe and heal a little smoother… I took things day by day and kept loved ones close. And I can tell you that each day I got a little better.

On a slightly random note: I hated when people told me to “get over it/get over him”! I’m clearly venting to you TO get over him. Whenever I heard someone say that to me I immediately cringed… like yeah let me blink my eyes and I’ll be over the whole thing. Let me vent to you so I can heal. The phrase sounds incredibly stubborn to me. Saying ‘get over him/it’ is probably one of the WORST things to hear at a time like that….. Seriously people.

I know that if anyone has read these past post they’d be telling me to ‘get over it/him’ because he treated me badly. You’re probably thinking ‘hey! shut up about it already.. this is tumblr not some freaking diary….’ This page wasn’t necessarily meant to be found. It’s purpose was to allow me to set my mind free even if it were a little while. I write these stories down so I can look back and learn from them. So for those of you who stumble on this page you could learn a thing or two. I also wanted to mention that I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of the progress and mind set I’ve taken from this situation. I’m 99% back to my old self. I learned that I had the ability to bounce back easily thus making me aware that I can be happy no matter what. I can forgive and I’m a lot stronger than I thought :)

Welcome to the weekend… we got fun and games…

Welcome to the weekend. After being incredibly hurt and disappointed on Friday I woke up in a pretty sad mood. Luckily I had some family to keep me company and distracted. But to make the story short, it was the night of the concert. My sister and cousin already had there tickets and where ready to leave. I think that by the I was in a pissed off mood. I wasn’t mad because I couldn’t go… I was pissed because I had a feeling he’d be there. I wanted to see his face and call him out on his bullshit. I told my sister to tag me at the concert with them.

Later on that night my sister texted me saying that she saw him. Not only did she see him but he was standing right next to her. My mood immediately sank. I wanted to make sure she had the right person in mind and gave her a description of something he’d wear and his signature baseball cap. Yup, she confirmed it…. I was rip shit. Apparently throughout the night he happened to be wherever my sister was, mind you the girl is basically my twin. Even though he happened to have followed her around during the night he never got the balls to actually say anything… This royally pissed me off. My sister chose to ignore his ass, something in which I praise her for….You’d think the guy would at least text me or something right? Deep down I knew that I wouldn’t hear from him again. I knew that he wouldn’t have the balls to even say hey. I’m actually embarrassed for him. I’m also embarrassed for his sister who ASKED me to the concert….

Sunday. After an incredibly frustrating night of self loathing and anger I woke up in yet another disappointing mood. I came up with a plan to have my sister give me pictures in which she took them to the concert so I could post them on Facebook. I made a simple caption about how much ‘fun’ I had at the concert…. I hope that felt like a slap to his face as it popped up on his news feed. Happy freaking Easter… I spent the entire day mopey. When I was finally able to check my notifications it mentioned that his sister liked my photo of the concert… After clearly ignoring my message about the tickets, she went ahead and liked the picture. Either he doesn’t tell his sister everything or they both schemed something up together…Part of me feels that he’s too much of a dumbass to have thought up the whole plan on his own…

Here’s to the absolutely shitty weekend I had… And what motions I’ve gone through this week have been pretty rough territory… :(

What a disappointing week.

Too much time on my own is no good for me. It’s time in which my thoughts consume everything. I start thinking/second guessing myself… I start doubting myself and begin to miss him a little. I keep trying to find excuses to check on him when I know it just hurts me in the end. Why do we put ourselves through these kinds of things? My explanation comes from the fact that I hate change. From the very first day he messaged me back in December I’ve never been that kind of happy before. And within those four months he become a constant, something that was routine to me. This all may seem like a bit much since we were never really anything but I miss the company…his company. I’m at that point, that fine line where I feel sad about everything but then I’m pissed to have been played like that. I want so badly to hand his ass to him and to fully express how shitty I’ve been feeling for the passed few days. FOUR MONTHS…. FOUR FUCKING MONTHS…GONE. Gone in about two fucking days. I won’t lie to you but it did feel like a relationship to me. Not necessarily a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way but I lost my friend. There is nooooo way that relationshipthingyfriendshipthing we had could be faked or duplicated. He must have/should feel bad right? I just don’t get what happened. I want him to man the fuck up and tell me face to face…..

Wednesday things got weird between us. I sent him the usual ‘good morning’ text. I didn’t hear from him for a while, which I didn’t mind because I didn’t want to wake him. I finally heard from him and he mentioned he had some trouble sleeping. For the rest of the day his texting was spotty. he wouldn’t text me for hours and hours. It sounds a little crazy I know… I’m not the kind of girl who worries and panics if her guy doesn’t reply instantly. I knew something was up. I know the way he texts and can text, we talked all day everyday. I sent a reply to his last message but didn’t hear back from him for a long while. Finally I sent him another text asking him if he’d like to grab a coffee Friday morning since he wanted to see me again. He immediately texted me back saying ‘No. My buddy from New York is coming up and we made plans”. I told him No worries and asked him whether or not I’d be seeing him before the concert onSaturday… I got no reply for hours again. Something was really really up… ( A little thing we do is that if we don’t hear from one another within a few hours or minutes we’d send each other another text). Finally around 9pm he replied, let the bullshit begin.

He told me that he had looked all over the house for the tickets but came up with nothing…. “oh?” I replied. Then he really took it far… He told me that his mother had burnt the tickets in a fire thinking that they were useless paper… yeah…I wonder how long it took him to come up with that. I instantly knew it was a far fetched lie. I kept to my one work responses and then thought of asking him if he bought the tickets online. Thinking it’d be easy to print them out again… Nope he went as far as saying that he did  buy them online but immediately deleted his email afterwards. I was awe struck, there was no way this was the truth, I didn’t text him for the rest of the night and he didn’t bother texting me again. After consulting with my best friend we both decided that it would be best to stop texting him for a while.

Thursday came and I never heard from him. I didn’t even send him a good morning text… something I was slightly hesitant about. I remained strong and never sent one. Thursday REALLY sucked. It became the defining point in which I knew things were either over or simply rocky. I was upset. I started rethinking everything and ended up crying on my way home. I stopped by the local grocery store and picked up 2 pints of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked… One for me and one for my best friend… I’m not a total fatty… I ended up at her place, eyes red and puffy, sniffling and simply crashed on her bed. After eating about half the container we both passed out. I knew that I couldn’t be alone and stayed over for dinner.

Friday…Still haven’t heard from him. To be honest I couldn’t remember the last time I was this sad or even just plain old sad… I did my very best in being the Lion I am by not texting him yesterday. I talked to my cousin on Friday and he mentioned that I should at least say hey or what’s up. I debated on it but eventually caved… I got nothing. The whole day went by and I got no response. You can imagine hoe upset and disappointed I was.